(Yay Bear (who's sitting next to me now) would like to warn all you teddy bear-lovers to stay away from this narrative.)

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Let me first categorically state one thing. It wasn't me.

It was the teddy bear. Yes sir, you can laugh! An inanimate object - a harmless soft toy - did that to him? Impossible!

Let me tell you this, though: that is no ordinary teddy bear. You guys know nothing.

You want me to tell you what happened? Sure. I have all the time in the world now.

--

I suppose I'll have to start by explaining how I got the bear. Teddy - that's his name, but I'm sure you would have run a background check on him by now - gave him to me when he proposed.

"I don't need another bear, remember?" I said, though I was secretly rather thrilled. "I have Mandy already. But since like you, he has such a sweet smile...hmm, I'll name him Teddy after you."

So the teddy Teddy gave me was christened, well, Teddy. I loved both of them - Teddy Boy and Teddy Bear.

At least, until I found Teddy (Boy) in a liplock with my best friend in his apartment.

Maybe he shouldn't have given me the key. Or maybe I really should have knocked. Either way, they got together, and Teddy told me we were never meant to be, and that he'd found his true love, but that they still had me to thank for bringing them together, and could I wish them happiness?

I stayed out late that night, I suppose. I didn't want to go home and face an empty apartment and sit on the sofa and eat Doritos and chocolate ice-cream while moping around. Only weak girls do that. I am not a weak girl.

But when I did return, guess who should greet me almost at the door in my own apartment? Teddy and Mandy were seated close together, their furry brown heads almost-but-not-quite-touching, and they were smiling mockingly at me.

I nearly lost it then. How could Teddy do that to me? Mandy was my favourite bear! First my best friend, then Mandy?

But I am a very calm person, so I separated them and put Mandy on the other side of the room. Then I built Teddy a sturdy prison cell with walls made out of about a hundred copies of the Encyclopedia Brittanica and a door made from metal chopsticks for bars, so he could see, but not touch Mandy. (Ha, that'd teach him to mess around with my friend and bear.)

I couldn't bear to see my Teddy locked up like that, though. So I let him out the next morning and put him back next to Mandy, but I made them swear they weren't, you know, committing any acts of betrayal against me the night before. Then I breakfasted and went to work whistling.

When I reached the office, I figured I'd need a pick-me-up in the form of coffee or something, so I swung into the pantry and for the second time in two days found Teddy and my best friend practically glued to each other.

I went ballistic. Can you blame me for doing so? "I thought you'd promised me you weren't together," I screamed at them. "You said you hadn't done anything to let me down. That's why I let you out, right? You lied to me, both of you!"

"What do you mean, let me - " Teddy blubbered, but I'd had enough of his lies. He'd promised, and now he was faking amnesia! I stormed out of the office and ran home crying.

But if I thought I could escape him, I was wrong. He and Mandy grinned even more evilly when he saw me, and their eyes sparkled with the joy of new love - the love he'd cruelly denied me just a few hours before.

This is it, I told him. You've had enough chances already. I grabbed him and pulled off the arm he'd draped around Mandy Bear. It felt good, so I cut the stitches of the other one. Then his left leg. And his right. Finally, when I'd rendered him limbless, I decided I'd be merciful and end his pain - and broke his soft furry head off.

But he refused to die. I could've sworn I had his stuffing strewn all around me (fine, only about half, but I was working on it - do you think it's that easy to pull stuffing out of a dead person?), when the doorbell rang and who else but Teddy himself should stand in front of my apartment.

He was saying something about wanting his engagement ring back, but I wasn't listening. How could this have happened? I'd just killed him! He couldn't possibly be standing in my doorway, but there he was. That incorrigible two-timer refused to die, huh? Well, I'd bludgeon him good and proper this time. Pull out his remaining stuffing and let Mandy Bear watch.

--

So that's what I was doing when your officers burst in, sir. I was just finishing what I'd set out to do. Is it so wrong to be a perfectionist? I couldn't possibly leave the job half done, could I? I'd wanted to kill him, but that darned teddy bear was still alive! At least now I can sleep tight in my cell, knowing that he's properly dead - considering the fact that you've got me in here for murder.

I can't be mad, sir. I am not a weak girl. Only weak girls lose it when their men dump them. Strong girls get their revenge. Right? Right? Hey, don't leave me here! I still need to fix that promise-breaker, Mandy...